Tampa Bay Bucs Featured On "Why You Team Sucks"

Every year Deadspin puts out a series called "Why Your Team Sucks" for all 32 NFL squads heading into the new season; and they've finally made their way over to the Bucs! Don't take this too seriously, but if you're looking for a good laugh check out the article below...

VIA Deadspin: Honestly? Looked fucking great on him. A natural fit for America’s Ivy Bro. Almost enough to make you forget the time he tried to throw a forward pass from 10 yards past the line of scrimmage. Oh, can you NOT do that? Fitzmagic was too busy boning up on his Sartre to remember.

Everything else the Bucs did in 2018 was biodegradable. Jackson, doing his best Mike Evans impression, dropped an easy lateral that could have resulted in a miracle win against the Falcons, and miracle wins against that crew are a dime a dozen these days. Then–head coach and offensive Gregg Williams replica Dirk Koetter suggested his own firing after the defense let Mitch Trubisky throw six TDs against his sorry ass defense. Mitch Trubisky can’t throw a ball through a fucking tire.

And Trubisky wasn’t even close to being the most mediocre player to make this defense look like the bottom of a bar toilet. Anyway, Koetter’s suggestion about firing him was taken to heart a few short months later, but not before he threw stale Bit-O-Honeysto the media with far more accuracy than anything his QBs could muster. The team continued to offer apparent professional football employment to safety and apparent raffle winner Chris Conte, with predictable results. They somehow managed just three points in a game where they racked up nearly 500 yards of offense. Against the Skins, no less.

But you don’t remember any of that awful shit, nor should be obligated to. What you remember is terminal fuckup Jameis Winston getting charged with groping a poor Uber driver and getting benched forRyan Fitzpatrick. The only people who didn’t see this kind of shitshow coming with Jameis were the people in charge of this very team. You might think that, given Winston’s multi-layered, ongoing public disgraces, the Bucs would see fit to leave him in a Publix parking lot and start entirely fresh. But you know how this works. This is the NFL. NFL teams only make STUPID drastic moves. To that end…

Your coach:It’s Bruce Arians, who retired from the Cardinals and was like DURRRR MY HAT AND I WILL ONLY UNRETIRE IF I GET TO GO TO CLEVELAND DURRRR. Then he took the Bucs gig when Cleveland seemed uninterested. So there you go, Tampa. You’re what people settle for when they can’t live in Cleveland.

Arians is in Tampa to collect a fat check and mail in the rest of his career, Spurrier-style. I have no problem with this, given that he spent one year on CBS and was stiffer than a fucking parking brake. Every time I think Arians is cool, he pulls a Rex Ryan and does something to radically undermine that coolness. He wears a fun hat, but he bitches that the game is going to be destroyed by fraidy-cat schoolmarms. He nurtures quarterbacks, but then acts surprised when calling 58 consecutive All-Go pass plays in a row doesn’t work. He likes cursin’ but hates music at practice (what is with these coaches and music?!). He hires two full-time female assistant coaches, the first NFL coach to do that, and yet still stands by Jameis fucking Winston.

“His willingness to work is unbelievable. He’s in the office at 5 o’clock in the morning. I have no qualms about that. There’s no doubt. The whole thing is going to be built around him.We all make mistakes. He’s made his. I’ve made mine.”

Did … did Bruce Arians assault an Uber driver once, too? I have a lot of questions. Anyway, Arians thinks Jameis can “win it all” with the Bucs. If he’s referring to criminal trials in which Winston is a defendant, he may be onto something. If he means the Super Bowl, he’ll be disabused of THAT notion in short order.

Oh, and Todd Bowles is here now. Get used to never noticing him.

 
Ronnie And TKras

Ronnie And TKras

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