Uh-Oh! 15 Sharks Swimming By Paddleboarders

VIA Barstool Sports:


Talk about fucking scary. Can you imagine being out there on a paddle  board and hearing the loudspeaker from a helicopter telling you there  are 15 great white sharks in the water? I’d shit my boardshorts so fast  it’d make your head spin. I’d get so nervous that I wouldn’t be able to  remember if sharks were attracted to blood or poop. It’s a toss up.  Stress can cause bloody stool sometimes so I’d be doubly fucked. 

One time I was paddle boarding in Florida. I was cruising the high  seas without a care in the world. I had a little mp3 player with me  (don’t worry. it was water proof. Well, water resistant to like 25 feet.  I wasn’t gonna swim that deep so it was fine) and I was singing Zac  Brown Band at the top of my lungs. While I was paddling away, I noticed  several schools of jellyfish. Yikes, right? I got so nervous about not  falling on the Portuguese men-of-war that I fell right off the board.  Luckily, I scurried back on the board and all was well. No one needed to  piss on my legs or back that day. Knock on wood.

So if I looked down from my board after hearing that terrifying  message from the helicopter, I’d be toast when I saw some great white  sharks circling me like, well… great white sharks. 

One great white shark in the water near you seems bad. A helicopter  coming to tell you that there are 15 of those beasts swimming near you  seems really bad. The only thing you can do is hope that Florida head  football coach Jimmy Mcelwain comes to rescue you and humps all those  sharks to death. Hero!

Thanks, coach. 

Ron And Ian

Ron And Ian

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